Last week I got carded trying to get a library card. A fucking library card.
Q: What’s the opposite of a sausage fest?
A: A clam bake.
I almost accidentally stole $1.50 worth of bricks from Home Depot today. My bad.
Vegan doritos are delicious. That’s one more check in the plus column for ‘Should I Move To Canada?’
Showgirls is my favorite worst movie ever.
I hate it when creepy old men follow me around office supply stores and constantly ask me if I need helping finding anything. I’m going to start carrying a cattle prod. Learn ’em good.