Another year over.
So this has been one crazy roller coaster of a year. Right now i’m feeling kind of melancholy so this is going to be all thoughtful and shit.
I learned a lot this year, good and bad. I learned that I am not in fact, a completely worthless human being. I wrote and published two zines all by myself , which was totally fucking scary. Both times when I sent the first group out, I totally wanted to dive across the post office counter and snatch them back. It’s kind of like going down a huge slide. At the top you’re like, “Holyfuckingshitgodno, I don’t wanna!” But then you slide down and you’re like, “Hey, that wasn’t bad at all.” Occasionally Amy will IM me with something like ‘blarghdkalfjlkcinnamonrolls!!!’, and that makes me feel pretty awesome. I kind of lost count, but I think for the year we’re up to 600 copies of issue #1 and maybe 350 of #2? Sometimes I wonder if some of the recipes that I never hear anything about suck and no one wants to hurt my feelings so they just don’t blog about it, but I try not to dwell on said feelings or I might go crazy.
We got a new car, the newest car we will ever own and doesn’t involve the ‘will we make it to Nashville and back?’ game, so that’s nice. I got in my first car accident (in the old car, in a parking lot), and did not get a single speeding ticket. My driving improved greatly, I think.
We added a new member to our family, who has made my life harder and more stressful but way more awesome at the same time. Even though the little bitch chewed up my Veganomicon (twice!), and whose favorite activities include shredding paper products on my bed, I love taking care of her and as soon as I saw a picture of her, I knew that she belonged with my motley crew. I never thought that I would want a little dog, in fact when we adopted Chester they asked what I was looking for and I told them that my only preference was a medium sized dog, but having a dog that can sleep on your shoulder while you watch t.v. and who you can carry around inside your hoodie when it’s cold out, is pretty neat.
For the first time, Brian and I spent our wedding anniversary together. The first year, he was in Louisiana. The second year, he was in Iraq. This year, he was actually training in a field but he basically gave them the finger and said, “Fuck you guys, i’m going home to spend the day with my wife.” We went to Nashville and ate at PF Changs and I slurped tea loudly from a ridiculously tiny cup while staring at Brian. I don’t remember if we exchanged gifts or what else we did, all I remember is trying to drive him nuts via tea slurping.
I learned the hard way that if you say something negative about a product, sometimes the company will track your ass down and leave you annoying comments. If anyone cares, I actually went back to Wild Oats and entertained the idea of trying another flavor of Woo Fu, but amazingly, they don’t carry it anymore. I guess it wasn’t very popular. Go figure.
I got my very first 100% mine computer, and I named him Winslow. I got my first mp3 player, which I promptly replaced with a Zune named Ted Danson. I also got a SLR camera, which was not named because it technically doesn’t need one. I got a crappy job at a search engine, and was able to make enough money to buy Brian a Xbox 360 and two games before it went completely down the shitter, so that was nice. And not surprisingly, we got fucking awesome at budgeting our money this year so we were actually able to afford this stuff (p.s. military credit is awesome!).
There were some losses this year, too. I lost two friendships. One was incredibly messy, mostly because I didn’t know how to deal with having what I felt was a big pile of hate dropped on top of me. So I just didn’t. One was more recent, and I thought I was just following her lead (because I think that if someone is giving you signals that they don’t like you anymore, and you see those signals, why would you keep bugging them?), but judging by the hurtful reaction I got…I don’t know. A habit that i’m always trying to rid myself of is, never telling people how I feel. I let it build and build and you’d think I would eventually explode, but I don’t. I always figure that I don’t want to say something that I might regret or would hurt the other person, so I don’t. That seems like a good idea, right? It always. Fucking. Backfires. I can’t win in that aspect, it seems.
On the plus side, I made like, half a friend in Tennessee after almost three years and several failed attempts. I say half because I think calling Comic Book Store guy my friend seems weird, but he’s not a douche and even though he doesn’t like zombies I get to have conversations with a real human being that don’t involve what my husband does, so that’s nice. Making friends with fellow nerds is hard, because a good chunk of them are those annoying stereotypical nerds that even though you like a lot of the same things, you don’t want to actually talk to them because they pick apart everything they supposedly like and live in their mom’s basement and have the social grace of a hippo.
And not to go off on a tangent*, but I hate people who are interest snobs. Like, I like horror movies a whole lot. I like them when they’re good, I like them when they’re entertainingly bad. If I see a movie I don’t like, I don’t want to write a three page essay on why I didn’t like said movie. For instance, I wasn’t crazy about 28 Weeks later, and probably won’t buy it unless it ends up in a $5 sale at Best Buy. Why? Plot holes you could drive a truck through! I don’t care to elaborate because I didn’t like it. And for whatever reason, lots of film buffs seem to enjoy talking about what movies they hate and why more than what movies they like. And therefore I don’t like talking to movie buffs, in general. (P.S. Ask me why Return of the Living Dead is so great and I will go on for days.)
And then there’s that big, hulking, pimply assed elephant in the corner of the room. Brian went back to Iraq. I haven’t mentioned it a lot here, and that may be because I am an empty shell of a person and therefore cannot properly convey my emotions as deeply as others. Or maybe it’s because I don’t want people to think that they need to pity me. Or maybe it’s because i’m private like that. It’s definitely a few of those things, at least. Oops, there I go again trying to deflect with humor. I’ll try to Romeo and Juliet this shit up a bit.
I think that emotionally, you kind of have to shut down a bit for this situation or else you will never survive it. If I sat here every day and poured my heart out to internet strangers, I would go absolutely insane with grief. Since I get to talk to Brian a lot, via instant messenger and voice chat, sometimes I forget that I miss him. And then things happen, like a shelf ripping itself out of the wall and spilling damn nigh 100 dvds, and I start to cry because I remember that I have to deal with everything alone, big and small. Even though I am totally scared of ladders, I have to change the light bulbs in the kitchen. It takes me fifteen minutes, but it gets done. And sometimes I forget that it’s nice to have someone around to do little things for you. Like, I had a cold for most of my visit to Illinois and on Christmas I had to go right from family thing to friend thing and when I washed my hair I didn’t feel like drying it, so Brian’s mom did my hair for me. That was nice. Now if only I can trick her into driving down and doing all of my laundry for me.
I miss having someone to poke at when i’m making fun of them, and someone to watch Sarah Silverman with, and someone to make mexican eggrolls with, and someone to share my idiotic ideas with (I have a sticker idea that’ll make me rich). A few weeks ago on a rainy day I thought about how I would give my right tit if Brian could just come home and watch a movie with me on the futon. No one else makes me laugh until I cry and no one else knows exactly how to make flames shoot out of my eyeballs in two seconds.
You are pretty awesome and I miss you a lot.
P.S. Even though I just poured out my guts, I still stand by my ‘no pity’ policy, so if you leave me comments saying you’re sorry, you are banned for life.