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Love and Loss

If you can’t guess by the title, this post is going to be about Bonny.  I was working on writing a new page on the site just for the animals, and 1.  I realized that I forgot her birthday last month, as in I didn’t even think about it so I felt terrible, and 2.  Trying to recount her story had me bawling just a few sentences in.  Now, I don’t spend every waking minute crying, i’m not vying for for sympathy or concern, but I just need to get some things out that have been bothering me for the last few months.


Bonny’s death was absolutely devastating for our immediate family.  I saw my husband react with emotions that i’ve never seen in him in the eleven years we’ve been together.  Both of my in-laws were hysterical.  Chester had to be pried off of our bed to eat and go to the bathroom for a few days, and he was still obviously bummed for a few weeks.  Bonny was the baby of our family, not just mine, although we were very co-dependent.  The first person I called was my friend Andria, her mom is the one who gave me Bonny and I felt they needed to know right away.  She was supportive and texted jokes to me later to make me feel better.  Her mom, and Megan, immediately emailed me to tell me how sorry they were.  I posted about it on the internet and so many people said so many nice things to me, some people even told me they were crying because they had come to love Bonny just through seeing her pictures and my stories.  I couldn’t respond to most of it because I didn’t know what to say back, but all of it was amazing.  Some other people gave me hugs or condolences, even my boss, who said nothing when I mentioned it was birthday, told me he was really sorry.  I took Bonny to work one day last summer and she was a big hit.


And some people, said absolutely nothing.


That’s the thing that’s been eating me up.  I can’t remember how it got brought up, but I was talking to my father-in-law a week afterwards and for whatever reason, I was recounting the people I had received condolences from, and not counting the internet, it was a painfully short list.  Now, I had turned my facebook account off in November so people who didn’t have my number, I understand.  Some people I only see every couple of months, and after awhile I doubt their first thought is about my dead dog.  However, people who I have known for years, family members, no calls.  No texts.  Nothing.  Hell, the day after, some people didn’t say anything!  That was, and still is, really painful.  Some people don’t put pets on the same level as others, but anyone who knows me knew that Bonny was pretty much the light of my life.  Are there reasons?  Did they forget?  Did they think I didn’t want to be bothered?  I’m sure there are some good reasons, but i’m entitled to say how it makes me feel, and it makes me feel like they didn’t/don’t care.  It’s a pretty shitty feeling.  And what am I supposed to do, bring that shit up?  I don’t think so.


I don’t think any (okay, maybe one) of the people i’m talking about are monsters, I just really wanted to get that out of my system.  Catharsis.  The end.  Over and done with, let’s all move on.


Other than that, I think I am doing okay with things.  I still have Chester (the Barbara Hershey to Bonny’s Bette Midler), and the cats, and I also love them very much.  There are certain holes they can’t fill, like I can’t carry Chester into social situations that i’m nervous about, and one time I tried to flip Fatty into the cradle position out of habit and she squeaked and bit my hand.  I look at dogs on Petfinder, but we are by no means getting another dog any time soon.  Not just because of emotional reasons, but Chester has some as-of-yet undiagnosed (and expensive to rule things out) liver problems, and thyroid issues.  He was the best big brother to Bonny, but he is also older and crankier now and I don’t want to make him get used to another new dog.  So unless he is magically cured of his pricey ailments or up and dies, a new dog is not in our future.

posted: April 26, 2011
under: animals, life

Snowpocalypse, Day 2: Electric Boogaloo

posted: February 3, 2011
under: animals, life, pictures

Warning: this post includes unhappiness and morbid talk.

I’m closing the comments on this entry because while I appreciate everyone who took the time to comment, at this point I would rather not have the comments pop up in my inbox.  I’m starting to heal a little bit and the reminder is like a tiny jab in the heart.  If you were going to leave a comment, know that the thought is enough.

Hey guys, i’m sorry to make such a downer post on the start of the holiday weekend, but I want to get this out and over with.  I also wanted to make this as a post on my website so I can link to it and not have to repost it all over the internet.

There’s no funny way for me to say this, so:

Tonight while my father-in-law was out walking my dogs, a big dog ran up and attacked Bonny.  She was killed pretty much instantly.  I wasn’t up to grilling my father-in-law for every last detail, but the dog was being chased by its owners, and my father-in-law turned around as he heard them yelling, right as the dog got to Bonny.  I don’t blame the owners of the dog per se, but animal control will still be called in the morning because any dog that kills another dog needs to be investigated.  I couldn’t live with the idea that this dog might harm another dog in the future.  Chester has a problem with children and some males, and my greatest fear is that we will enter a situation where I can’t control him, he will bite somebody, and then I will lose him (an example would be when people let their children run up to him in the park, I start backing away with him pulled behind me and chant ‘he bites’ until they run after their kids).  I’m rambling already.

I don’t think I need to express in words how much Bonny was loved.  The real pain is that her death was unfair and sudden and utter bullshit.  Chester is almost 11ish, Fatty is 15.  I have elderly animals and I expect to come home one day and find them dead.  Even though Bonny is a small dog and we’ve had to snatch her up a few times because of bigger dogs, we weren’t ready for this.  Not that anyone is, but you know what I mean.

Still, I am one of those people who really does believe that it’s better to have loved and lost.  Some people immediately declare that they will never get another dog/cat again because it hurts too much to let go.  Not me.  I loved Bonny, I am glad that we got 3 1/2 years with her, and someday we will meet another dog who belongs with us like Bonny did.  Not anytime soon, but someday.

If you haven’t followed my site for long and haven’t heard me talk about her, let me tell you a little bit about Bonny.  She was born with an eye that didn’t produce tears, initially we medicated it three times a day, but after a year and a half, the eye was removed surgically.  We’re pretty sure that she had no vision in it originally, so having one eye was no big thing for Bonny.  She had no depth perception which meant she would sometimes jump off of the dining room table, but other than that, she was fine.  When people would ask me how much I paid for her since she was a yorkie, I would usually say that I got her for free because she was defective.  She had huge ears that stood up and the longest tongue, and she licked without prejudice.  The only people who didn’t like her are the ones who don’t appreciate dog spit.  I often got compliments/stares when we went to the park, and most people didn’t know she only had one eye until I said something.  She heard me say ‘bad kitty’ to the cats so often that she would run up and bark at them if they scratched at the furniture.  She wasn’t as smart as Chester, but she was still very clever.  She was obsessed with toys, and even if you buried her toy in the couch, she would go apeshit until she had it in her mouth again so she could hit you with it.  She had such a big mouth that she could fit a whole tennis ball in it.  I could go on forever.

Thanks to everyone who loved Bonny, if only virtually.

I’m going to get morbid after these cute pictures.  If that makes you uncomfortable, I understand, and you’re free to stop reading here.

This is actually the first pet death i’ve dealt with that involves me actually seeing them.  Like I said, Fatty is 15, she was my first cat.  All of my parents dogs got hit by cars or ran away, I never saw them.  I had a cat named Wonder Mutt who got (most likely) eaten by a coyote, I just never saw him again. When my father-in-law first brought her to me, I just…looked at her.  He was apologizing because he felt at fault since he was walking her, and I just kept telling him it was okay.  I kept touching her ears and her face and hoping she would wake up.  She didn’t have any visible blood (I didn’t realize at the time that she had a little, but it was on the side touching me) so she just looked asleep.  I took me a good five minutes before I started to really cry.  Brian was out at a movie so his phone was off, so we put her on a towel in a box and waited for him to come home.  It was the longest 30 minutes of my life.  I went between staring out of the front door and going back to the dining room to pet her.  I couldn’t stop touching her.  She felt too warm to me, which wasn’t helping my irrational thought that she would wake up.

Brian had a similar initial reaction that I did, but if he wants to go into details of his thoughts and feelings that’s up to him.

We buried her next to a bush in the garden in the snow.  Bonny hates the snow and cold and I kind of lost it when Brian was digging the hole.  I tried really hard to fight it so I wouldn’t have a panic attack.  Even though I know that Bonny is gone and we were just burying her body, I felt like an asshole for putting her in the cold.  I feel like an asshole for letting my dog down.  I feel like an asshole for letting Brian down.  I feel like an asshole for unloading all of this on the internet and burdening my readers with my emotions.  Some people spill their feelings at the drop of a hat, I don’t, so this is weird for me to do.  I use humor to deal, so i’ve already made jokes about how much will save on dog food (Bonny obviously didn’t eat much), how no one better get me a puppy for Christmas, how there is now no one to keep the cats in line when I yell ‘bad kitty’.

posted: December 24, 2010
under: animals, family, life, pictures

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