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VeganMoFo: Pretty In Pink

Gina Gershon, possibly the only woman in the work to have a natural Joker smile, had a small role as evil Benny’s friend in gym class.

If I had to wear a dress like that, i’d have permanent bitchface too.

I don’t usually do this, but i’m going to complain about Pretty In Pink.  I used to say it was my favorite Brat Pack movie, and then I saw Some Kind of Wonderful and it slid down to number two.  Now, I think I might straight-up hate it.  Every time I watch it, I like it a little less and this last time I spent half of the movie yelling at it.  I find all three of the main characters completely loathsome and if I could jump into my tv and smack them all, I would.  They’re all whiny douchebags in their own way, Andie’s shrill crying, Duckie’s way past cute and balls deep into annoying, and Blane could be replaced with a wet towel and no one would notice.  Also, how are they going to tell us that Andie is some amazing fashionista when everything she wears I could’ve pulled right out of my mom’s closet, and then her big ‘creation’ looks like THAT?

The eternal question of ‘Duckie or Blane’ is bullshit, because the answer is:  Steff.  You take Steff up to his super fancy hotel room that his dad is paying for and you hate fuck the shit out of him.  And then when he passes out you shave off that feathered hair because, why, James Spader?  Why was your hair bad in almost every movie you made all the way up to Stargate?

The supporting cast is awesome though.  Iona, Dad, Benny, Steff, Jenna, and Simon are all great.  And I like Molly Ringwald and Andrew McCarthy, just not in these roles.  If you’ve ever seen Teen Movie, I think the character that parodies Duckie really isn’t much of a stretch.   I might be biased though because I had my own Duckie in high school, and yes I went to prom with him but only because he guilted me into it and I had the flu and then he took me over to a friend’s house so I could watch them play video games in a basement and that’s why I wouldn’t be your girlfriend, dick.

Starring Molly Ringwald (80′s queen, The Secret Life of the American Teenager), Andrew McCarthy (Lipstick Jungle, Weekend At Mannequin’s), Jon Cryer (Two and a Half Men), Annie Potts (Ghostbusters, Joan of Arcadia), Harry Dean Stanton (Big Love, The Avengers) James Spader (Boston Legal, Stargate), and Kate Vernon (BSG, Malcom X).

Entrée:  You can make a stir fry, or a curry, but you have to use mock duck (found in cans at your local Asian grocery) and for my menu I decided on this Spicy Mock Duck Sloppy Joes.

Side:  Something has to be pink, so how about pink (from beets) mashed potatoes?

Dessert:  Since we are to be reminded over and over that Andie is poor and therefore everyone rich hates her, we are going to make a wacky cake, and Andie doesn’t like eggs anyway.

posted: September 20, 2013
under: veganmofo

VeganMoFo: Showgirls

 

Robert Davi, the opera singing Fratelli brother,  has had a long and illustrious career.  And then he also did Showgirls.

 

Showgirls is one of the accidentally greatest movies EVER MADE.  EVER.  It has a cult following, especially in the gay community.  One of the more notable adaptations is Show Girls In Drag, which stars Willam and Detox from Rupaul’s Drag Race.  There was also an off-broadway musical.  Why?  Because Showgirls is so bad, on every level from the writing to the acting, that it is absolutely hilarious.  On top of the badness, it had a huge budget, the director of Robocop, and some pretty well-known faces in the cast.  Everyone involved thought they were making an amazing movie, right up until it flopped hard.

Nomi hitches a ride to Vegas in pursuit of her dreams of becoming a dancer – and the first person she meets steals her suitcase.  The second person she meets, however, lets her move into her trailer and she does get a job as a dancer, of the private variety.  And wouldn’t you know it, her roommate is the seamstress for the big show at The Stardust!  I’ll bet that’s going to come in handy but in a very roundabout way.

Eventually, Nomi makes her way out of the strip club and onto the big stage, with help and simultaneous interference from the lead, Cristal.  Cristal Connors is like the Ghost of Bitchmas Future to Nomi, showing up to dispense wisdom, snort coke, call everyone darlin’, and make sexual advances while putting Nomi down and really messing with her life.  Over the course of the movie we learn that Cristal and Nomi have pretty much an identical past and identical methods of pushing their way to the top.  Can Nomi out-bitch Cristal and take her spot, though?

By far, the most ridiculous and hilarious scene in Showgirls is the pool sex scene where it appears that someone might be tasering Elizabeth Berkley from off camera.  I showed this movie to my friend Robie once and she laughed so hard, it made me laugh harder and I fell off the couch, and after we were able to breathe we rewound it and watched it again.  Here’s a little animated (obviously NSFW) .gif of the scene, you can tell that Kyle MacLachlan is really having a hard time holding onto her.  Not to mention that the waterfall is going right into her face.  I can only assume this was choreographed by the wet dream of a 13-year-old boy.

I’ve never seen Showgirls 2, but here’s a review written by someone who loves Showgirls just as much as I do.

(P.S. If you do decide to watch this movie, fair warning that there is a violent rape scene in it.)

Starring Elizabeth Berkley (Saved By the Bell, she’s so excited), Gina Gershon (Bound, Rescue Me), Kyle MacLachlan (Twin Peaks, Portlandia), Glenn Plummer (Sons of Anarchy, ER), Alan Rachins (Dharma and Greg, L.A. Law), and Gina Ravera (The Closer, ER).

Onto our menu, which is free of any puns related to bare breasts!

Entree:  Who says you can’t have a burger AND brown rice and vegetables?

Side:  I’ve never heard Caesar sing, but I have been to The Forum before (I did not buy a dress at Ver-sayce with lap dance money).

Dessert:  Sad fact time, I have lived and breathed on this earth, in the midwest even, for 32 years and I have never had puppy chow.

Cocktail:  I don’t usually include drinks, but if you drink alcohol will probably improve your enjoyment of this movie tremendously, so have a sexy, wet, Tornado.

 

posted: September 19, 2013
under: veganmofo

VeganMoFo: The Goonies

A lot of my movie choices feature the same actors over and over again, and Martha Plimpton is one of them.  She has really good taste in movies, Raising Hope is funny, and she is also a hella sassy feminist who you should follow on twitter.

 

The Goonies is one of the most beloved 80′s movies of all time that i’m sure you’ve all seen 5-500 times, but for the sake of putting down words:  Some douchebuckets are going to tear these kids’ houses down so they can expand their country club, and after finding a treasure map in Mikey’s basement they decide to go find this treasure because what else are you going to do on what is possibly your last day together?  Play Scattergories?  Not tie your brother to a chair with his own workout equipment?  Pass!

Of course, there can’t be a treasure hunt without a family of murdering criminals and the deformed guy they keep in the basement, older brothers, stupid jocks, and bats.  But it’s all worth it for the badass pirate ship!  Did you know that the pirate ship was 100% real?  All of the inside shots were also from the ship, not a set.  When the movie was finished, it was demolished because no one wanted to take it home.  I have never been so disappointed in the human race as when I learned that no one wanted a FREE PIRATE SHIP.

The song that Cyndi Lauper wrote for the movie was turned into one of her epic, wrestler-filled videos:

 

Starring Corey Feldman (all of those other awesome 80′s movies, Ascension Millennium), Sean Astin (some movies about walking, Rudy), Josh Brolin (Planet Terror, Jonah Hex, Men In Black 3), Anne Ramsey (Throw Mama From the Train, Scrooged), Joe Pantoliano (The Matrix, The Sopranos), and Robert Davi (Die Hard, Profiler).

Entrees:  Mouth may have been an idiot, but he had the right idea in asking for (Seitan) Scallopini and Fettuccine.  If you expect to run around in underground tunnels all day, you need to carbo-load.

Desserts:  You can make easy Rocky Road Brownies, or you can make your own Baby Ruths to throw at people.  P.S.  I love it so much that someone made vegan Baby Ruths in homage to The Goonies, specifically.

Normally I don’t ask for specific comments, but please leave your favorite Goonies quotes in the comments so I can quote back at you and we can nerd nerd nerd.

 

posted: September 18, 2013
under: veganmofo

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