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VeganMoFo: Parenthood

 

I get claustrophobic just looking at that many people in one frame.

Parenthood is a movie in which Steve Martin is convinced that he has the most fucked up kids of all time and therefore has very low self-esteem as a father.  Throughout the movie we see that his three siblings all have their own issues with parenting, despite outward appearances. I think the lesson is that raising kids suck no matter who the parents are or what problems the kids do or don’t have.

Also this is the 80′s so there are jokes about vibrators and blowjobs and one of the kids problems is that he masturbates all day (but as Keanu says, “That’s just what little dudes do.”).  Don’t worry, most of those jokes will go right over your kids head!

I know I am kind of phoning this one in but you will have to take my word for it that Parenthood is a very funny movie and even though I watched one whole episode, I can tell it’s way better than the tv show.

Starring Steve Martin (The Jerk, Planes Trains & Automobiles, happy feet), Mary Steenburgen (Back To The Future III, Wilfred), Dianne Wiest (The Lost Boys, Edward Scissorhands), Rick Moranis (Ghostbusters, Little Shop of Horrors), Tom Hulce (Amadeus, The Hunchback of Notre Dame), Martha Plimpton (Raising Hope, Pecker), Keanu Reeves (who?), and Joaquin Phoenix (Walk the Line, Earthlings).

And here is a mini-reunion of the kids in the film:

Entree: Please remember to put your retainer in a safe place, aka not on the table, before you eat a pizza (more cheese is better to properly mimic the kind of pizza you would get at Showbiz, five pounds of grease is optional).
Side: Luckily, no one ever made me play second base…or go to a ball game at all…but I hear that soft pretzels are very popular baseball game foods!
Dessert: Cowboy Gil – as in GUIL-ty – cookies.

posted: September 16, 2013
under: veganmofo

VeganMoFo: Machete

 

 Danny Trejo has been in more movies than your mom and your mom’s mom and you’re mom’s mom’s mom’s mom’s combined.  Mostly he does supporting roles like in Fanboys, but someone finally wised up and gave him his own movie.  I could do a whole month just on Danny Trejo movies, and he is a pretty awesome and humble dude and if you think he looks like he’s done hard time, he has.  Movie!

Just in case you thought he wasn’t serious about his name.

Ah, Machete, the best movie to be based on a fake movie trailer in another movie that’s actually based on a character from Spy Kids.  That’s right, Machete is technically a spin-off of Spy Kids (both are directed by Robert Rodriguez).  Machete is everything that movies like Fastly Furiousest and The Expendables want to be, but fail at, because those movies are full of stupid one-liners and ridiculous stunts that we’re supposed to believe are real.  Also those movies don’t have Danny Trejo, who can kill you with a look.  Like i’m getting really uncomfortable staring at the photo above as I type this.

Tale as old as time:  man goes to save a woman, man finds himself set up and his family killed, man tries to start over in America, man gets set up again and finally says ‘fuck this shit’ and starts to get revenge.  Because this is supposed to be like a 70′s exploitation movie, of course every woman in the movie humps Danny Trejo.  Just because he’s almost seventy doesn’t mean he can’t get his swerve on.  Of course there are lots of explosions, guns, machete fights, gushing blood, and boobs.

If you saw Grindhouse, you’ll notice that they reused some scenes from it, most obviously and purposefully, the scene where Lindsay Lohan and her mom are magically replaced by two completely different women in the pool, that’s from the trailer.  The sequel is due out later this year and I can’t wait!

Starring Danny Trejo (Sons of Anarchy, Con Air, so many things), Michelle Rodriguez (Lost, Fast and Furious, Resident Evil, I am genuinely afraid of this woman), Jessica Alba (Dark Angel, The Fantastic 4), Jeff Fahey (Lost, The Lawnmower Man, Planet Terror), Cheech Marin (Lost, Cheech & Chong, Nash Bridges), Tom Savini (monster makeup/FX legend, Dawn of the Dead, Grindhouse, Django Unchained), and a few other people who are super famous and you don’t need me to tell you who they are.

Music bonus:  the song that plays during the big fight scene is Yo Oigo, by one of my favorite bands, Girl In A Coma.  They’re from San Antonio and Robert Rodriguez directed the video for their cover of As The World Falls Down.

Entree:  When there’s a taco truck in a movie and little else in regards to food, you eat tacos!  I consulted the Taco Cleanse Expert about which tacos would be best given that the movie takes place in Texas and Mexico, and I was given not one, not two, but three choices and I can’t choose so you get them all!  Our TCE also says that homemade tortillas and refried beans are a must.

Side:  Not just because Jessica Alba serves Machete a plate where all you can see is rice, but because I like Mexican rice a lot!

Dessert:  Unfortunately, making a vegan choco taco at home sounds like a lot of work, so instead make these raspberry filled chocolate cupcakes, adding 1/4-1/2 teaspoon of cayenne pepper to the cupcake batter.  The raspberries represent the blood of the people who have wronged you, obviously!

How does this movie connect to Friday the 13th?  Tom Savini!  Not because he did the special effects for the movie, but because he played the uncredited role of ‘Man The Knife Killer’.  Is it a stretch?  Of course.  Do I really care?  Not at all!  See you on Monday!

posted: September 13, 2013
under: veganmofo

VeganMoFo: Fanboys

 

Carrie Fischer played Lizzie’s friend in Drop Dead Fred and was one of many Star Wars/nerd culture alumni to have a cameo in Fanboys.

Who’s ready for a road trip to 1998?  Remember that year, before you knew who JarJar Binks was?  That was truly the age of innocence.  Unfortunately, we can never go back.  Fortunately, I was never that invested in Star Wars to begin with so I was able to say ‘that sucked’ and move on with my life.

In case you didn’t know, Fanboys is about a group of friends who decide that they’re going to drive to the Skywalker Ranch and break in so they can see The Phantom Menace before it’s released in theaters.  Why?  Because one of them has cancer, and if your friend has cancer you help him break into George Lucas’ home.  If I had cancer I would hope that all of you would join me in a van stuff with bags of vegan marshmallows, destination Rob Thomas’ house.  As you can guess, many wacky hijinks ensue and many cameos are to be had.  I think the nerd van is AMAZING.

This film isn’t without issues, though.  My biggest one is that Kristen Bell, who packs a whole lot of funny in a tiny person, is sorely underused and misused as the token female who is only there to get the stupid guys out of trouble and serve as a love interest.  I’m not very fond of the ‘oh we’re in a gay bar so your threat of anal rape is a total joke on you’ thing either.  The threat of man-on-man rape as an emasculating joke is really tired in general.  Also the sheer amount of Rush.  Although I guess it makes sense that the character who reminds me a lot of Booger from Revenge of the Nerds would be a Rush fan.

My favorite part is when a guy covered in Star Wars tattoos, and a costume-wearing Trekkie, both played by Seth Rogen, meet in the middle of a giant brawl and fight each other.  I believe this is what they call a metaphor.  Although do Star Wars fans and Star Trek fans really hate each other that much?  Everyone I know likes both or just doesn’t care that much about Star Trek.  Although the characters make fun of the Trekkies a lot, they also take a few jabs at the Phantom Menace, including ending the movie with one of the characters asking the others, “What if the movie sucks?”

Starring Jay Baruchel (Undeclared, Tropic Thunder), Dan Fogler (Take Me Home Tonight, Balls of Fury), Sam Huntington (Being Human, Detroit Rock City), Chris Marquette (Freddy vs. Jason, Joan of Arcadia), Kristen Bell (Veronica Mars, Heroes, loving sloths), and honestly so many cameos that you can read the list on Wikipedia if you’re interested.

So you can guess that this will be a Star Wars themed menu, right?  I was hoping to find veganized versions of the recipes that appear in the Star Wars cookbook, but unfortunately there isn’t much.  However, I found two posts with many pictures of Star Wars themed parties that include simple-yet-awesome themed foods here and here.  I mean, come on, Jabba the Hummus?!  How could you not.  The second link is a family who doesn’t eat red meat so they had Chew-Boca burgers.  Vegans, how did we not think of this stuff first?  Do we need to go stand in a corner?  Maybe it’s because i’m so easily impressed by anything punny.

 

 

posted: September 12, 2013
under: veganmofo

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