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VeganMoFo: The Goonies

A lot of my movie choices feature the same actors over and over again, and Martha Plimpton is one of them.  She has really good taste in movies, Raising Hope is funny, and she is also a hella sassy feminist who you should follow on twitter.

 

The Goonies is one of the most beloved 80′s movies of all time that i’m sure you’ve all seen 5-500 times, but for the sake of putting down words:  Some douchebuckets are going to tear these kids’ houses down so they can expand their country club, and after finding a treasure map in Mikey’s basement they decide to go find this treasure because what else are you going to do on what is possibly your last day together?  Play Scattergories?  Not tie your brother to a chair with his own workout equipment?  Pass!

Of course, there can’t be a treasure hunt without a family of murdering criminals and the deformed guy they keep in the basement, older brothers, stupid jocks, and bats.  But it’s all worth it for the badass pirate ship!  Did you know that the pirate ship was 100% real?  All of the inside shots were also from the ship, not a set.  When the movie was finished, it was demolished because no one wanted to take it home.  I have never been so disappointed in the human race as when I learned that no one wanted a FREE PIRATE SHIP.

The song that Cyndi Lauper wrote for the movie was turned into one of her epic, wrestler-filled videos:

 

Starring Corey Feldman (all of those other awesome 80′s movies, Ascension Millennium), Sean Astin (some movies about walking, Rudy), Josh Brolin (Planet Terror, Jonah Hex, Men In Black 3), Anne Ramsey (Throw Mama From the Train, Scrooged), Joe Pantoliano (The Matrix, The Sopranos), and Robert Davi (Die Hard, Profiler).

Entrees:  Mouth may have been an idiot, but he had the right idea in asking for (Seitan) Scallopini and Fettuccine.  If you expect to run around in underground tunnels all day, you need to carbo-load.

Desserts:  You can make easy Rocky Road Brownies, or you can make your own Baby Ruths to throw at people.  P.S.  I love it so much that someone made vegan Baby Ruths in homage to The Goonies, specifically.

Normally I don’t ask for specific comments, but please leave your favorite Goonies quotes in the comments so I can quote back at you and we can nerd nerd nerd.

 

posted: September 18, 2013
under: veganmofo

VeganMoFo: Parenthood

 

I get claustrophobic just looking at that many people in one frame.

Parenthood is a movie in which Steve Martin is convinced that he has the most fucked up kids of all time and therefore has very low self-esteem as a father.  Throughout the movie we see that his three siblings all have their own issues with parenting, despite outward appearances. I think the lesson is that raising kids suck no matter who the parents are or what problems the kids do or don’t have.

Also this is the 80′s so there are jokes about vibrators and blowjobs and one of the kids problems is that he masturbates all day (but as Keanu says, “That’s just what little dudes do.”).  Don’t worry, most of those jokes will go right over your kids head!

I know I am kind of phoning this one in but you will have to take my word for it that Parenthood is a very funny movie and even though I watched one whole episode, I can tell it’s way better than the tv show.

Starring Steve Martin (The Jerk, Planes Trains & Automobiles, happy feet), Mary Steenburgen (Back To The Future III, Wilfred), Dianne Wiest (The Lost Boys, Edward Scissorhands), Rick Moranis (Ghostbusters, Little Shop of Horrors), Tom Hulce (Amadeus, The Hunchback of Notre Dame), Martha Plimpton (Raising Hope, Pecker), Keanu Reeves (who?), and Joaquin Phoenix (Walk the Line, Earthlings).

And here is a mini-reunion of the kids in the film:

Entree: Please remember to put your retainer in a safe place, aka not on the table, before you eat a pizza (more cheese is better to properly mimic the kind of pizza you would get at Showbiz, five pounds of grease is optional).
Side: Luckily, no one ever made me play second base…or go to a ball game at all…but I hear that soft pretzels are very popular baseball game foods!
Dessert: Cowboy Gil – as in GUIL-ty – cookies.

posted: September 16, 2013
under: veganmofo

VeganMoFo: Machete

 

 Danny Trejo has been in more movies than your mom and your mom’s mom and you’re mom’s mom’s mom’s mom’s combined.  Mostly he does supporting roles like in Fanboys, but someone finally wised up and gave him his own movie.  I could do a whole month just on Danny Trejo movies, and he is a pretty awesome and humble dude and if you think he looks like he’s done hard time, he has.  Movie!

Just in case you thought he wasn’t serious about his name.

Ah, Machete, the best movie to be based on a fake movie trailer in another movie that’s actually based on a character from Spy Kids.  That’s right, Machete is technically a spin-off of Spy Kids (both are directed by Robert Rodriguez).  Machete is everything that movies like Fastly Furiousest and The Expendables want to be, but fail at, because those movies are full of stupid one-liners and ridiculous stunts that we’re supposed to believe are real.  Also those movies don’t have Danny Trejo, who can kill you with a look.  Like i’m getting really uncomfortable staring at the photo above as I type this.

Tale as old as time:  man goes to save a woman, man finds himself set up and his family killed, man tries to start over in America, man gets set up again and finally says ‘fuck this shit’ and starts to get revenge.  Because this is supposed to be like a 70′s exploitation movie, of course every woman in the movie humps Danny Trejo.  Just because he’s almost seventy doesn’t mean he can’t get his swerve on.  Of course there are lots of explosions, guns, machete fights, gushing blood, and boobs.

If you saw Grindhouse, you’ll notice that they reused some scenes from it, most obviously and purposefully, the scene where Lindsay Lohan and her mom are magically replaced by two completely different women in the pool, that’s from the trailer.  The sequel is due out later this year and I can’t wait!

Starring Danny Trejo (Sons of Anarchy, Con Air, so many things), Michelle Rodriguez (Lost, Fast and Furious, Resident Evil, I am genuinely afraid of this woman), Jessica Alba (Dark Angel, The Fantastic 4), Jeff Fahey (Lost, The Lawnmower Man, Planet Terror), Cheech Marin (Lost, Cheech & Chong, Nash Bridges), Tom Savini (monster makeup/FX legend, Dawn of the Dead, Grindhouse, Django Unchained), and a few other people who are super famous and you don’t need me to tell you who they are.

Music bonus:  the song that plays during the big fight scene is Yo Oigo, by one of my favorite bands, Girl In A Coma.  They’re from San Antonio and Robert Rodriguez directed the video for their cover of As The World Falls Down.

Entree:  When there’s a taco truck in a movie and little else in regards to food, you eat tacos!  I consulted the Taco Cleanse Expert about which tacos would be best given that the movie takes place in Texas and Mexico, and I was given not one, not two, but three choices and I can’t choose so you get them all!  Our TCE also says that homemade tortillas and refried beans are a must.

Side:  Not just because Jessica Alba serves Machete a plate where all you can see is rice, but because I like Mexican rice a lot!

Dessert:  Unfortunately, making a vegan choco taco at home sounds like a lot of work, so instead make these raspberry filled chocolate cupcakes, adding 1/4-1/2 teaspoon of cayenne pepper to the cupcake batter.  The raspberries represent the blood of the people who have wronged you, obviously!

How does this movie connect to Friday the 13th?  Tom Savini!  Not because he did the special effects for the movie, but because he played the uncredited role of ‘Man The Knife Killer’.  Is it a stretch?  Of course.  Do I really care?  Not at all!  See you on Monday!

posted: September 13, 2013
under: veganmofo

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