I may be ignorant, but I ain’t stupid!

My affection for Coal Miner’s Daughter runs pretty deep. It was often shown on cable when I was a kid, so I watched it a lot when I didn’t like whatever titty movie Up All Night was showing that week. Also, my grandpa was a coal miner (and a farmer and a World War II vet, I am full of pride). If you do it at the right time of the month, you can make me cry by playing the song that the movie title comes from.

Coal Miner’s Daughter is the award-winning biopic about Loretta Lynn, from her childhood in a poor family in Kentucky to the height of her success in the early 70′s. Most of the movie focuses on her often rocky marriage to Doolittle Lynn, who she married when she was only fifteen. It seemed like she was doomed to a life of raising babies and keeping house for a drunken husband until he gives her a guitar for their wedding anniversary. I’m pretty sure you know that this turned into a really long music career with lots of big hair and sparkly gowns. But maybe you don’t know that Sissy Spacek and Beverly D’Angelo (as Patsy Cline) did all of their own singing! Sissy won quite a few awards for her “dumb hillbilly act”.

Starring Sissy Spacek (Carrie, Big Love), Tommy Lee Jones (Men In Black, The Fugitive), Beverly D’Angelo (National Lampoon’s Vacation movies, Entourage), and Levon Helm (from the band…The Band).

Entree: Since Loretta Lynn is a real person, and she has a cookbook, I was able to find out that one of her favorite meals is Chicken and Dumplings. (No squirrel meat here, sorry Loretta.)
Side: I don’t know what your favorite southern side is, but mine is fried okra, always and forever.
Dessert: I do NOT recommend substituting the sugar with salt in your chocolate pie, we can only take the authenticity of our movie dishes so far.

This screencap sums up their entire relationship.

Despite what the title might make you think (pervert), Pecker is a movie about a young lad who spends his time making sandwiches and taking pictures of the everyday sights and people in his area of Baltimore, and his quirky-yet-loveable family. No one thinks much of his pictures until a fancy shmancy art dealer stumbles upon his show. The upside is that he gets a lot of money, a trip to New York, and is utterly pleased with himself to the point where you kind of want to wipe the smile off of his face (see above photo). The downside is this makes his girlfriend miserable, his house gets robbed, and his family and friends are now fair game for mockery. The second upside is that he will turn the tables on the New York art crowd and in the end, everyone wins!

I want to point out that this movie is NOT kid friendly. There is tea bagging in a gay bar, and to quote the movie, the pubic hair of a stripper. In my research I found that this movie received quite a few negative reviews, and while I admit that the Virgin Mary coming to life at the end of the movie is a bit ‘wtf why’, overall it makes me laugh pretty hard. Little Chrissy is the best movie character EVER. I don’t know how it’s possible to make the line, “Pecker, please bring me a soda!” funny, but that kid NAILED IT. Actually, I think everyone nailed their parts pretty well. Peep this amazing cast:

Edward Furlong (Terminator 2, American History X), Christina Ricci (Addams Family, Monster, Sleepy Hollow), Mary Kay Place (Big Love, Citizen Ruth), Martha Plimpton (Raising Hope, The Goonies, the single best episode of Law & Order SVU ever), Brendan Sexton III (Empire Records, Boys Don’t Cry), Lili Taylor (I shot Andy Warhol, Six Feet Under), and Bess Armstrong has a small role that makes for a mini-My So-Called life reunion between her and Mary Kay Place. You may also recognize John Waters regulars Mink Stole, Mary Vivian Pierce, Alan J. Wendl, Susan Lowe, Channing Wilroy, and Patty Hearst. Yes, the bank robber. She also did a guest spot on Veronica Mars!

Entree: I used quite a bit of google-fu to try and find a specific vegan pit beef recipe, to no avail. So make yourself some dry-rub seitan (use the spice mix in the first article for authenticity), horseradish sauce, and rye bread. Add some sliced onion, tomatoes, and lettuce, and ta-da!
Side: To celebrate Pecker’s colorful family, Miss Betty’s fashion, AND Little Chrissy’s conversion to veganism, check out this beautiful Cosmic Cashew Kale and Chickpeas with Confetti Quinoa.
Dessert: Nothing says “I love you, Little Chrissy.” like sugar cookies! If you can get your hands on some vegan gummy worms too, all the better.

Aside from being released in the 80′s and being total sausage fests, Stand By Me and Revenge of the Nerds don’t have a lot in common, so let’s divide them up!

Stand By Me isn’t a straight-up comedy like Revenge of the Nerds, but it does have its funny moments so I think they aren’t a total odd couple. The movie is based on a Stephen King story, and while it doesn’t have a lot of the out-there supernatural elements that a lot of Stephen King movies do, the writing, characters, and the fact that it’s set in Castle Rock scream ‘Stephen King’. (Sidebar, if you ever need to distract me for a good 45 minutes, ask me to talk about the Stephen King books that have been made into movies and how they compare to each other and the original material. It usually ends with me writhing on the floor, screaming about how The Stand and IT got done so dirty.)

Four kids, all who have their own issues, set out to find a body they heard was located on a river bank. They want to find it so they can be report it to the police and be the heroes! Unfortunately, two of their brothers are in a gang of dickholes who have the same idea. The kids hoof it like they have a ring to toss into a firey pit, dealing with junk yard dogs, leeches, and trains along the way. Some demons are battled and some comic relief is had, and they all come home a little more grown up.

Starring Wil Wheaton (Star Trek TNG, king nerd of the internets), Corey Feldman (almost all of my favorite movies, f’reals), Jerry O’Connell (Sliders, Crossing Jordan), and River Phoenix (My Own Private Idaho). Kiefer Sutherland (Lost Boys, 24) plays the head of the greasy gang.

That’s what almost every party i’ve ever been to has ended up looking like.

Revenge of the Nerds is a story or triumph. A group of nerds are bullied by a fraternity at their new college, and they never stop fighting back. It is also a story of boobs, fart jokes, and loads of offensive stereotypes. Everything that makes a great comedy! Most of the movie was improvised, including the running card playing gag between Takashi and Booger. Throughout the movie, the jocks hit them with shitty pranks and dickery, and the nerds hit back with their smarts and their own dickery. Dickery all around! But it all ends with a heartwarming speech and the bad guys losing so, that’s really all that matters. Oh, and the musical competition:

Starring Robert Carradine (Lizzie McGuire, being a part of the famous Carradine family), Anthony Edwards (ER, Top Gun), Timothy Busfield (The West Wing, thirtysomething), Curtis Armstrong (American Dad, Boston Legal), Michelle Meyrink (Real Genius, The Outsiders), Ted McGinley (Married With Children, Happy Days), John Goodman (Roseanne, The Big Lebowski), and James Cromwell (American Horror Story, Six Feet Under, being vegan and awesome). A lot of the nerds are famous FOR playing these characters, so you will often see them in small parts and recognize them from this movie. Curtis Armstrong probably gets more guest spots on tv shows than any of the other cast members.

The food that ties these two movies together, is pie. If you do decide to use this movie menu, I recommend you stop eating before you actually get to the pie eating contest in Stand By Me.

Entree: Whether you’re on a great adventure to find a body, or you’re busy partying with the Omega Moos, you need something that doesn’t require a plate or a fork. The answer: hand pies, hand pies, empanadas. Make a variety and you’ve got a party in everyone’s hand!
Dessert: There are approximately one hojillion vegan pie recipes on the internet that you could make, if you want to stay true to the menus make a cream pie and a blueberry pie.

If none of those appeal to you, here’s a pretty inclusive list of a variety of vegan pies.