Love and Loss
If you can’t guess by the title, this post is going to be about Bonny. I was working on writing a new page on the site just for the animals, and 1. I realized that I forgot her birthday last month, as in I didn’t even think about it so I felt terrible, and 2. Trying to recount her story had me bawling just a few sentences in. Now, I don’t spend every waking minute crying, i’m not vying for for sympathy or concern, but I just need to get some things out that have been bothering me for the last few months.
Bonny’s death was absolutely devastating for our immediate family. I saw my husband react with emotions that i’ve never seen in him in the eleven years we’ve been together. Both of my in-laws were hysterical. Chester had to be pried off of our bed to eat and go to the bathroom for a few days, and he was still obviously bummed for a few weeks. Bonny was the baby of our family, not just mine, although we were very co-dependent. The first person I called was my friend Andria, her mom is the one who gave me Bonny and I felt they needed to know right away. She was supportive and texted jokes to me later to make me feel better. Her mom, and Megan, immediately emailed me to tell me how sorry they were. I posted about it on the internet and so many people said so many nice things to me, some people even told me they were crying because they had come to love Bonny just through seeing her pictures and my stories. I couldn’t respond to most of it because I didn’t know what to say back, but all of it was amazing. Some other people gave me hugs or condolences, even my boss, who said nothing when I mentioned it was birthday, told me he was really sorry. I took Bonny to work one day last summer and she was a big hit.
And some people, said absolutely nothing.
That’s the thing that’s been eating me up. I can’t remember how it got brought up, but I was talking to my father-in-law a week afterwards and for whatever reason, I was recounting the people I had received condolences from, and not counting the internet, it was a painfully short list. Now, I had turned my facebook account off in November so people who didn’t have my number, I understand. Some people I only see every couple of months, and after awhile I doubt their first thought is about my dead dog. However, people who I have known for years, family members, no calls. No texts. Nothing. Hell, the day after, some people didn’t say anything! That was, and still is, really painful. Some people don’t put pets on the same level as others, but anyone who knows me knew that Bonny was pretty much the light of my life. Are there reasons? Did they forget? Did they think I didn’t want to be bothered? I’m sure there are some good reasons, but i’m entitled to say how it makes me feel, and it makes me feel like they didn’t/don’t care. It’s a pretty shitty feeling. And what am I supposed to do, bring that shit up? I don’t think so.
I don’t think any (okay, maybe one) of the people i’m talking about are monsters, I just really wanted to get that out of my system. Catharsis. The end. Over and done with, let’s all move on.
Other than that, I think I am doing okay with things. I still have Chester (the Barbara Hershey to Bonny’s Bette Midler), and the cats, and I also love them very much. There are certain holes they can’t fill, like I can’t carry Chester into social situations that i’m nervous about, and one time I tried to flip Fatty into the cradle position out of habit and she squeaked and bit my hand. I look at dogs on Petfinder, but we are by no means getting another dog any time soon. Not just because of emotional reasons, but Chester has some as-of-yet undiagnosed (and expensive to rule things out) liver problems, and thyroid issues. He was the best big brother to Bonny, but he is also older and crankier now and I don’t want to make him get used to another new dog. So unless he is magically cured of his pricey ailments or up and dies, a new dog is not in our future.