Man, when I burn out on MoFo I REALLY burn out on MoFo. I wish I had some good excuse, but I don’t. I can’t even say I ran out of movies ready to go, I have had a post for Showgirls/Conair open on my computer, half written, for four days. But I counted posts and I still got 15 posts up, and the goal is 20, so I only failed a teensy bit.

A few people have said I should keep doing dinner and a movie menus all year long, and while I do want to keep doing this as my MoFo theme for as long as feasible (until i’m so desperate i’m doing Dinner and a National Geographic Documentary), I had a few that I made stuff for so I absolutely want to squeeze those out. And I might throw up a menu on occasion, but for now: I am so sick of watching movies, dudes. I had to re-watch a lot of the movies I posted to get proper menu inspiration, and on top of my regular tv, I just. I kind of want to go outside? Maybe get away from the glowing box? ANYWAY, onto my last post for MoFo this year.

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He hates these trees! Stay away from the trees!

I was lucky enough to catch Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter at our local drive-in this summer. When you live in the Land of Lincoln, you get kind of numb to all of the Lincoln stuff. I drive past Lincoln’s home all the time, i’ve rubbed the nose of the lucky bust at Oak Ridge plenty. So not only did I find this movie fun because of the action and normal, non-sparkly vampires, but because it renewed my interest in Abraham Lincoln and the time he spent here. I found out that his human cohorts in the movie are all real people, although their roles in his life are slightly tweaked to better fit the movie. Learin’!

The movie doesn’t try to alter the course of history, it simply interjects the idea that from early adulthood all the way up to his death, President Lincoln was also a vampire hunter. It all starts when he seeks revenge on the man who poisoned his mother (in actuality, Nancy Lincoln died from milk sickness, go vegan!) and discovers that he isn’t so easy to kill. And he has fangs and is really strong and whoa boy is he kind of a snarky dick about it. But luckily, Abe meets a guy who wants to train him. Yet you never see this dude kill vampires himself…curious. Anyway, all through moving to Springfield, meeting Mary Todd, and getting into politics, Abe is killin’ vampires left and right. There is killing, war, hijinks, fights on burning trains, and as we all know, eventually Mr. Lincoln is going to take a trip to the theater.

This movie was filmed in 3D, which I don’t like because when you’re at the drive-in you’re like, “God damn, these angles are annoying.” But there is lots of crazy good action and stunts, I half expected Milla Jovovich to pop out at the plantation and start shooting some bitches in the head. You wouldn’t think that Abraham Lincoln and the words ‘thrill ride’ go together, but they do! If you like action flicks but hate the dumbed down dialog, you will like this movie. It has received mixed reviews, but pfffft on what anyone but me thinks.

This is an indie flick so there aren’t any huge stars, but a few very familiar faces: Anthony Mackie (2Pac in Notorious, The Hurt Locker), Mary Elizabeth Winstead (Deathproof, Scott Pilgrim), Jimmi Simpson (Always Sunny, Breakout Kings), Marton Csokas (LotR trilogy), and some guy named Alan Tudyk who likes to play with dinosaur figures and talk like a pirate.

If you are going to watch one of the few movies that will ever feature Springfield, you have to eat our one local delicacy: The Horseshoe. I’ve posted about it before, but earlier this year the Illinois Times posted an article about the history of the horseshoe, how it’s changed over the years (now made mostly with gross frozen fries), and the original cheese sauce recipe. I tucked that away in my brain because if you look at the recipe (way down at the bottom), it’s so easy to veganize. So easy that i’m not going to pretend I ‘made’ the recipe by swapping, so here are some step-by-steps:

1. Acquire or make a loaf of white bread, bake if needed. Slice into toastable thickness. Hide the bread from the cat.
2. Slice some potatoes (also if you are doing veggies, those too), dice them, whatever shape you want, if you’re doing wedges I suggest baking over cooking in a pan. I sliced them into rounds that were thick enough so they wouldn’t come out like chips, just crispy on the outside and warm and soft on the inside. I also fried them in a cast iron pan.
3. While the potatoes are cooking, follow the recipe for the original cheese sauce with vegan subs (we used oil, almond milk, PBR, and a wedge of Daiya cheddar). You’ll spend a few minutes just poking the potatoes and stirring the sauce and singing to the dogs.
4. Now is the time to do your ‘meat’. It can be various veggies, a portobello cap, whatever fake meat or soy thing you desire. We used Upton’s seitan because they are Chicago-based (and it’s delicious), so I just waited for my potatoes to be done, moved them to a paper towel, drained the oil, and cooked the Upton’s in the cast iron.
5. Toast your bread.
6. Assemble! Lay 1-2 pieces of bread (ours was pretty small so we did two) down, pile with potatoes and your meaty stand-in, drown in cheesy cheese sauce. Dig in and remember to name your food baby after me.

Obviously this is not a healthy recipe. Lots of places do offer vegetable horseshoes (and you’ll notice that the one pictured in the article is vegetarian), so it’s possible to do it up right and get some veggies in, but you can’t make a fat-free horseshoe. To even try would be depressing. I’m just adding this as a disclaimer. And yes, it is RICH. The portion size of a modern horseshoe is so insane, way bigger than what Brian and I made, and I couldn’t finish mine. Also as a disclaimer, the cheese sauce does not look pretty as it cools down and congeals, so either eat it all ASAP or be prepared to hide your leftovers from the sight of anyone who will go, “EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU EATING GROSS VEGAN”.

Dessert: If you have the room, you probably don’t have the desire to make anything fancy. Lucky for you, Mr. Lincoln wasn’t big on food and preferred simple desserts, like a plate of fruit and nuts. So microwave ‘baked’ apples sound pretty perfect for our Abe dessert.

Ain’t no party like a pancake party cause a pancake party don’t stop! Unless you run out of syrup.

For this week’s double feature, we’re taking the literal title of The Breakfast Club and the party that that Buck throws for his niece and nephew and smoosh! Since they’re both 80′s films and semi-family friendly (nudity free and what not), they work well together.

I feel a little ridiculous pretending that you don’t know about The Breakfast Club, or the Brat Pack and who all of those people are. So we’ll talk about Uncle Buck!

Buck is a total slob, slacker, loser, whatever you want to call him. But when his brother’s father-in-law has a heart attack, he has to drop everything to take care of his nieces and nephew for awhile. Unfortunately, his teenage niece is a total moody hosebeast who dates a guy named Bug. Fortunately, Buck is the kind of guy who carries a hatchet around in his car and doesn’t take guff from any damn teenagers. They grow, they learn, they bowl, Buck punches a clown in the face…it’s a warm and fuzzy family movie in the end.

Starring John Candy (Spaceballs, SCTV), Garrett M. Brown (Big Love, Roswell), Laurie Metcalf (Roseanne, Big Bang Theory), and tiny babies Gaby Hoffman (Now and Then, 200 Cigarettes) and Macaulay Culkin (Party Monster, Saved!, some movie you’ve probably never heard of called Home Alone).

Entree: In an attempt to be a little morre creative than suggesting simple pancakes, I give you a crepe cake!
Side one: “You should see the (avocado) toast, I couldn’t even get it through the door.”
Side two: For Buck’s cigars, or for those potheads in the library, Smoky Maple Sausages.
Dessert…ish: Obviously with a crepe cake you don’t really need a dessert, and this menu is kind of lacking in vegetables, so a green smoothie seems like a good idea.

Artists rendering of my typical Friday nights.

Mermaids is probably written off by most people as just a chick movie, and if you’re one of those people you’re missing out on a really funny movie. Although there are some tears, and a few moments where vaginas all hug each other, Mermaids is way more comedy than dramz. Our narrator, Charlotte, tells the story of her ‘free-spirited’ mother (Mrs. Flax) who moves them every time she breaks up with a boyfriend, never serves anything that isn’t a finger food, and dresses like a teenager. Naturally, Charlotte rebels by aspiring to be a nun and being so uptight, she could swallow coal and crap out a diamond. Her little sister, Kate, takes all of this much more in stride and seems to largely ignore the clashes between her mom and her sister. Of course, Charlotte falls in love with Jake Ryan and this really conflicts with her desire to be the polar opposite of her mother. Meanwhile, Mrs. Flax catches the eye of a local shoe salesman who is way more into her than she ever lets herself be into anyone. And Kate holds her breath a lot. For a brief while, everything seems to be going well, which can only mean things are going to get fucked up, and HOW.

While Mrs. Flax is presented as a cool, hip lady it doesn’t take much reading between the lines to see that she’s actually a big coward who runs from her problems and truly growing up. Charlotte is a total spaz and her inner monologue of telling herself to shut up while she word vomits to Jake Ryan about nuns taking showers is something I can relate to. In the end, the two manage to rub off on one another, and the movie ends with them dancing and singing Jimmy Soul. Awwwww, vaginas.

This movie also produced one of the few covers that I think blows every other version out of the water (sorry, Aretha).

Starring Cher (Mask, Witches of Eastwick), Winona Ryder (Heathers, Reality Bites, all of those Tim Burton movies),Bob Hoskins (Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Hook), Michael Schoeffling (Sixteen Candles), and itty bitty Christina Ricci (Addams Family, Pecker, The Opposite of Sex, on and on) in her film debut!

Entree: Get yourself some star-shaped cookie cutters and make some unmanly sandwiches! Charlotte just makes boring meat-cheese-mustard sandwiches which you could easily recreate with tofurkey slices and vegan sliced cheese, or you could make some fancy-ass Cucumber Avocado Tea Sandwiches.
Side: Remind Charlotte that she’s Jewish with these latkes, that can be finger foods. Also they have FLAX seeds in them lol/puns/I am hilarious. Alternately/also, you can make swedish meatballs.
Dessert: Usually I try to keep specific products out of my dinners with movies, but I think we can all agree that it’s marshmallow kabobs or GTFO. Get yourself some Dandies or Sweet and Sara marshmallows, a box of Dots, maraschino cherries, and if my eyes are telling me right, some cut up vegan candy bars (like Go Max Go) and some spearable cookies and put them all on kabob sticks. Then say “Ugh, I am going to die.” And then eat them anyway.

Bonus: I found an awesome Pinterest board that’s all vegan appetizers!